Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
You Might Also Like
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself