I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
A Match(.com), but for socks.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same