This has made my week.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.