Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.