I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.