I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Go girl power!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
How do you milk an almond?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this