Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
You Might Also Like
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.