I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
a fate I wish upon no one
How to make infinite energy.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Remember folks 😂
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!