SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.