I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.