[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.