5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Meow
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting