my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
“no gods no masters” = leo
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.