Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Worst Native American name ever.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”