I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I laughed at this way too hard.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I see that your IQ test came back negative.