[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.