It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The two types of wives
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*