[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time