We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.