my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
How did we not see this back then?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.