If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground