So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really