Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
In banana years, I am bread.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Phones down.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep