The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.