Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine