me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator