I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Sex so good you see dead people.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE