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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet