13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”