Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Sponch
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.