INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!