My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Note to self: always read the final line
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Denise please return my vape pen
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”