Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂