Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants