2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.