Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
why isn’t he texting back
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Oh my God.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.