GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…