Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
God has left this place