My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
who wants to go expliring
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician