I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.