just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?