I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Worth the read.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC