Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
The pasta is now
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.