PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.