Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.