Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’ve had worse
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa