Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’m aging like a fine banana
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock