“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
so i’m at the stock market right
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you