*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
#NeverForget
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em