Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
😂😂
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
the worm is coming from inside the brain
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..